This may have been the dumbest game of IVAN I have ever played...

Jun 1, 2014, 9:13 pm
Joined: Feb 20, 2012
Posts: 231
You know those comedies where some idiot who's completely oblivious to everything around him gets caught up in some wacky adventure and somehow ends up accidentally becoming a hero? This was sort of like that, except instead of the hero part, it ends with more of a "splattered against the wall" sort of thing (as is customary in IVAN).

It started out with what was the most intense and exciting trip through the Underwater Tunnel that I've ever had. To start off, rather than the usual 2 spiders in UT1, there were 4. Eating them all put me at 12 END before entering UT2. Due to my unusually high HP, the staircase to UT2 was guarded by a kamikaze dwarf, which I blindly ran into.

Normally that's where the story ends, but not with this guy. This guy was special - eking by with a sliver of health, just enough to get outside and heal up, bringing me to 13 END. This brought out all sorts of fun critters, especially the eddy on UT3 that decided to teleport me into the corner of Jenny's room. I figured all hope was lost (I had an iron halberd and some leather gear), but just before chugging the bottle of poison I had on me, I remembered that I had discovered Legifer earlier:

Another death narrowly avoided, I went in search of gear with which to take on the plants. I don't remember everything that happened in between, but after struggling with hunger, various narrowly avoided deaths, and a chameleon polymorphed into a ghost of an orc general (need to use 5 striking charges as I couldn't outrun it) I ended up with some wands and, somehow, 16 END:

The visit to Attnam was uneventful, with nothing interesting in the shops. It's worth noting that I was feeling pretty tired today, and wasn't very focused. As a result, I accidentally offered my chest with a couple scrolls of detection and a wand of haste or two to Valpurus. As I walked through GC1, a warning popped up about the land mine on the ground in front of me. Being as out of it as I was, I kept walking right on into it, detonating the wand of polymorph I had on me. I was polymorphed into a mistress, and part of the debris on the ground beside me had turned into a broken Mjolak. Returning to Attnam I got that fixed up, and being a mistress gave me enough CHA to Dulcis-tame the patrol guard, scoring a sweet helmet. Now if I could just get Atavus to like me I could get that arcanite plate and have some decent gear to offset the danger of my high HP.

While scavenging GC1 for gifts for Atavus I came across a scroll of wishing, which I used on an AoLS, which I promptly wasted by not seeing the orc that was wailing on me while I dashed forward. At least I got enough stuff to Atavus for the armor.

Bought an amulet of ESP in the shop on GC2, then went back to Attnam to get something repaired (remember how I stepped on the already detected mine before? I did that with two big mines in the minefield). It's been a very long time since this has happened to me:

At this point, resigned to the fact that I was to be a complete idiot today, I decided to head back to NA and grab the sumo belt. UT4 had a pack of blink dogs, granting me perma-telecontrol, and the sumo fight itself went off without a hitch thanks to my incredibly high HP. Somewhere along the way I got a wand of mirroring and was finally able to get some workable equipment:

After losing my two SoDMs earlier during my chest sacrifice, I didn't come across another until GC10. I honestly have no idea how I managed to survive floors 5-9.

I considered just taking the head back to Attnam and calling it a day at this point, but don't let that 33 int fool you; there was no intelligence to be found here. Upon remembering that I wasn't quite welcome back in town, it seemed like my only choice was to go through the portal.

"Overloaded? But I need to bring my chest of loot with me... I'll just leave my cans of healing liquid here then come back for them after I drop the chest by the stairs."

God. Damn. I'm an idiot.

Danny and Ur-Khan were on UT11; I took out Ur-Khan (with wands, shattering all of his bottles of sweet, sweet urine), but left Danny behind. UT 12 was the mage room, so I nope'd my way to the portal to take on Oree. As soon as I entered Oree's lair I started exploding and losing various limbs, as well as burning through the 2 AoLS's I had picked up recently. By the time I finally got to a safe spot, my Mjolak was long gone, and so I decided screw it: it's a miracle (or twenty) that I made it this far, might as well go all in:

All out of fucks to give, I dual-wielded some extra armors I'd cloned up, then zapped away with various wands. I actually managed to take out Oree and pick up the shirt, but I was being so heavily bombarded by all of the mages that all I could do was rush for the portal. By the time I got through neither of my arms was usable, and I was trapped between a mage and an angel. I tried to drink a can of healing liquid, but the angel was finally able to put me out of my stupidity.

How this character managed to even make it past UT1, not to mention actually acquiring the Shirt of the Golden Eagle, I will never understand.

I think it's about time for a little break...
Jun 1, 2014, 9:28 pm
Joined: Dec 4, 2007
Occupation: Perfect Soldier
Location: Astragius Galaxy
Interests: Fiana, Peace, Melons
Posts: 1,054
Forgive the intrusion. My luck is augmented.
Jun 2, 2014, 11:11 am
capristo's avatar
The Imperialist

Joined: Dec 2, 2007
Location: New Attnam
Interests: bananas
Posts: 2,195
Haha that was pretty epic though.

I've definitely had some characters like that. Doomed to failure from the very beginning but you somehow keep pressing on. And then when they finally die you're like "I should have just quit a long time ago"
Jun 2, 2014, 1:39 pm
Ernomouse's avatar
Master mine stomper

Joined: Dec 16, 2007
Occupation: Pouring molten bronze in sand
Location: In the cold end
Posts: 2,048
Probably the most epic IVAN story I've read! Thanks for the story, and the screenshots, hilarious! =D
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